4TH

Ever since October came, I've been drunk every weekend.  Weather it's because of an occasion or not, I've spent every waking hours of my Sunday morning in a drunken stupor.  Just like today.  With only minimum difference.  I am still sober enough to write and my insomia just kicked in on time to make sure that I will experience all morning with a terrible headache.  But what the hell, I deserve this for drinking too much.

In four days time, it will be the 28th of October.  If I was still with MB, it would have been our 4th year anniversary.  Yes, you got that right, I am still in pain.  A lot of pain.  Though I will never have confessed any of this in front of my peers because of pride, I guess the alcohol has done it's job to loosen my tongue a bit.  So here I am, in front of someone's computer in the wee hours of the morning lamenting my failed relationship.

But why did it fail?  That's the question I hear every single time that I will let it slip that I just came from a three and a half year relationship.  I always tend to say that it's because MB no longer loves me.  That MB can no longer bear the thought of being with me.  That MB's better off alone.  And no matter how painful it is and no matter how numb my body is due to the alcohol I ingested, that's just half the truth.

I am the worst boyfriend in the history of boyfriends.  I am the worst kind of person that anyone could have lived with.  I lied, I cheated, I stole.  I guess that's how short I can summarize things.  Because I indeed did all those things both literally and metaphorically.  I wish I could say differently but that's the whole truth.  And now that everything is at it's end, there's no use in denying and lying about anything anymore.

I loved MB.  I still love MB.  That has and will never change.  But today, as I write this, with tears running down my cheeks, it's time to bid adieu to the one chapter of my life that gave the meaning to my existence.

To MB, if ever you will read this, I love you, I miss, and I'm sorry.a

The Day The Music Died

05.04.10

All this time, from the day you decided to end everything, I always hoped and believed that one day, someday, you will change your mind and welcome me back in your arms.

All this time, I deluded myself in a fantasy that you will not let all those years we've been together to go to waste. That you will realize, after all this time, that you still love me.

All this time, I kept my hopes up that those time that you will see me, you will remember the days when we were happy. That you will remember that you once loved someone like me.

All this time, I loved you.

But today I finally understand. Today, finally, everything is clear.

When you said you no longer care. It pierced my heart so deep that the wound will not stop bleeding. The pain it cost was so unbearable that even I can not take it anymore.

I once said that the love I have for you is unconditional and will never fade. The love I have for you can bear everything and anything that you can throw at me. No matter what.

No matter what insult you hurled at me.

No matter what abused you deem fit for me.

No matter what humiliation you think I deserve.

I weathered them all.

Not because I think I deserve them.

Not because I think I should take them.

Not because I think that's what love is.

Not because I think they made you feel good.

But because I know, no matter what happens, no matter what you throw at me, it is all done out of love and concern.

But everything seems farce now.

For you no longer care.

And it kills me.

Every minute.

Every day.

Miss You Like Crazy

Bhe,

I miss you so much. So much that it hurts. So much that I am in tears. It's been a long time but I still can't accept the fact that it's over.

I decided to write here again because I'm running out of space in my notebook and my pen ran out of ink. Because I can't stop doodling your name next to mine. Trying to imagine what it was like when we were still together. When we were still happy.

I know it's my fault that you're no longer here. I know that there's no chance that we can still fix things. I know, because the problem is "ME" and I can not be fixed.

I miss you so much.


I miss your hug...

I miss your kiss...

I miss your smell...

I miss your laughter...

I miss your eyes...

I miss your lips...


I miss you.




I love you. Please forgive me.

July '07 - June '08

Friends are nature’s masterpiece.

Whoever said this got it right the first time. I certainly believe in this saying because in all my life, it is the gift of friendship that I value more than anything else. I smile as I think about the people who were with me last Saturday will react about this statement. Because it seems to me, that my actions are going on a different direction. If you were there with us, it will seem to you that I do not value my friends and all I do is blabber.

I can not deny that what I did to my friends happened to me, I will not be able to forget it myself. Makes you wonder what happened that day right? But I will spare you the details. Let’s just say that I burned all the masterpiece nature has given me.

One of my dearest friends talked to me last Monday about what I “did” during that fateful day. It was horrible, unspeakable, and undeniably offensive. And as much as I tried to explain my side, I can’t seem to do so. For I know, no words I can utter can heal the wounds that I have caused.

The same close friend shared with me about what I was blabbing about on that day. I was all about friendship. It didn’t surprise me since I know for a fact that I can’t stop thinking about how happy I am that I have my friends. But what I realized just now, is how much right to the point my friend was. You see, I always prided myself as someone who puts their friends first before anything else. May it be work or even myself. But it seems that that’s hardly the case because I have always placed my fears above everyone and anything else. My biggest fear is losing a friend. And in my efforts to make sure that my fears will not come to life, I try my very best to please them. But instead of getting the result I desired, I ended up on the losing end.

As I write this post, I still haven’t spoken to two of my friends. Both of whom I cherish as someone who defines what being a friend is. And both of whom I offended the worst. Honestly speaking, I don’t think that I can show my face to them, let alone talk to them. And it is one of the reasons why I am writing this post. I am hoping that one, if not both, of them will be able to read this.

Trust is one of the most essential things in a relationship. And once the trust is gone, the relationship, for me, no longer exists. What happened that night is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Because I may very well lose the people I hold dear. The very people I tried to please. The very people I call “friends”.

As I said earlier, I can’t still bring myself to talk to my friends. I’m afraid of what they are going to say. I know I have failed them as their friend. And I’m so sorry that I will lose them without even being able to know them deeper. Not that I think that our friendship is as shallow as a jigger of scotch, but because I didn’t know them enough for me to say that they know me. I showed them a façade in fear that they will not like the real me. What a pathetic little wimp I am.

And on that sad note, the love room bids you farewell. I will not delete this blog for I hope that someone will be able to find wisdom on the mistakes I made in my life by reading my previous posts. I, however, will no longer be accessing this site.

I found my friends when I started my first blog.  Let it end with my last blog.