4TH

Ever since October came, I've been drunk every weekend.  Weather it's because of an occasion or not, I've spent every waking hours of my Sunday morning in a drunken stupor.  Just like today.  With only minimum difference.  I am still sober enough to write and my insomia just kicked in on time to make sure that I will experience all morning with a terrible headache.  But what the hell, I deserve this for drinking too much.

In four days time, it will be the 28th of October.  If I was still with MB, it would have been our 4th year anniversary.  Yes, you got that right, I am still in pain.  A lot of pain.  Though I will never have confessed any of this in front of my peers because of pride, I guess the alcohol has done it's job to loosen my tongue a bit.  So here I am, in front of someone's computer in the wee hours of the morning lamenting my failed relationship.

But why did it fail?  That's the question I hear every single time that I will let it slip that I just came from a three and a half year relationship.  I always tend to say that it's because MB no longer loves me.  That MB can no longer bear the thought of being with me.  That MB's better off alone.  And no matter how painful it is and no matter how numb my body is due to the alcohol I ingested, that's just half the truth.

I am the worst boyfriend in the history of boyfriends.  I am the worst kind of person that anyone could have lived with.  I lied, I cheated, I stole.  I guess that's how short I can summarize things.  Because I indeed did all those things both literally and metaphorically.  I wish I could say differently but that's the whole truth.  And now that everything is at it's end, there's no use in denying and lying about anything anymore.

I loved MB.  I still love MB.  That has and will never change.  But today, as I write this, with tears running down my cheeks, it's time to bid adieu to the one chapter of my life that gave the meaning to my existence.

To MB, if ever you will read this, I love you, I miss, and I'm sorry.a