The Cat is out of the Hat

I tried to keep from MB what happened. He already has too much on his mind for me to add my own problems. Unfortunately, I seem to forgot to ask the people I told to keep it under wraps for now. Until I can tell MB that is. But things do seems to happen outside of your plans. And a couple of days ago, I was confronted by MB about what friends are saying on their blogs as well as on my cbox.

At first, I tried to deny everything. I guess it's just my natural reflex to deny whatever I tried to hide. But as the day goes by, I finally cave in and confessed everything to MB. Unfortunately for me, it came a little too late. And for the first time in a year of living together, we haven't spoken for 3 days.

Usually, after the first couple of hours, I will console MB and asked for forgiveness. But this time it didn't happen. I'm guessing that the events have indeed taken it's toll physically and emotionally that I was no longer able to patch things up with MB just like before. At first, I'm always saying to myself that I'm just taking my time. Phasing myself before I face another issue in my life. Convincing myself that everything will turn out just fine in the end. But as the day goes by, as I pick up the pieces of my heart and soul that was broken, I realized that everything will not be ok. Not unless I do something about it. Not unless I'm strong enough to trudge on.

In the end, I was able to mend my relationship with MB. I know for now it will not be the same as before. But as time goes by, the wounds will heal. I know it will. I need to believe it will...

"There's only one constant thing in this world. That's change." - Anon

1956 - 2008

“Elvis is Out of the Building”

I always knew that this day will come. That one day, the “King” will have to leave us. I always knew it but I never dreamed or wished that it will happen. Not this fast anyway. But things do happen. Sometimes, I will be able to do things that will prevent things from happening. At times, it works. But this time, I can’t do anything but to accept it.

It’s one of the darkest times in my life but I have to accept it. But it doesn’t mean I can’t mourn or grieve. But as much as I want to, there’s something in me that’s telling me that I should not be sad. For this thing happened for a reason. I may not like the reason but it’s still the reason. And as I see the “King” for the last time, I felt glad. For I no longer see neither pain nor suffering. The “King”, my “King”, is finally at peace.

The “King”, in this story, is a she. The reason why I am using the word “King” to describe her is because she is the so-called “King of the house” in my life. A woman whose life she lived maybe not to the fullest, but definitely with grace and full of love. I will never forget her image as she walks the street while waving and smiling at her neighbors. I will never forget the sound of her laughter and of her giggles. And of course, how can I forget the stern words of wisdom she parted to me through the years that we were together. As if I can.

But the Earth will not stop circling the Sun even when the “King” has left the building. As my friend put it, “Life goes on”. And I totally agree. But at this moment, at this second, I will stop and drop everything my doing to say these words…

“To my mom, my queen, and the “KING” of our house, I love you. Forever.”

“Life goes on. Why don’t you?” - Anon

Celebrating a Friend

I was given a once in a lifetime chance of getting to know one of the people that I respect greatly. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t ask the right questions. So what happened instead is that the topics revolve around one thing. Love life.

It no longer comes as a surprise that in this life that we are living, the life span of a relationship is no longer than the life of a matchstick. Yes you may last for 5 years or even 10 years but time will come when you will have to move on. I know. I’ve been there. And armed with this fact, I entered a relationship with MB hoping against hope that I will be able to prove my theory wrong. But of course, that’s only the half of it. The other half of my theory is that in this life, boyfriends, girlfriends, and yes, even partners, will come and go but not your friends; Never your friends. Your true friends anyway. Come what may, they will be there.

With this theory, I was able to gain friends of all types. But of course time will come when you will need to part ways with your friends. But we must remember that it doesn’t mean that your friendship has to end. Because no matter the distance or the circumstance is, a friend will always be there. Always.

Now back to my friend. He told me about he has a plan. I mean who doesn’t? But the plan he has involves the “M” word. At first I was surprised, shocked even, not because I doubt his capabilities or him being a responsible partner but because of fear. Fear because I have come to hope that I will never lose him. But things do change. One phase is over, another one begins.

In the course of our conversation, we managed to talk about many things. Things I didn’t know existed. But what fascinated me the most is the fact that even though I already regard him as very respectable person, he was able to take it to a whole new level. I never thought I will be able to respect anyone like the way I respect him. He’s just amazing.

And even though he can be an ass at times, I will not hinder the choices and the plans he already have. I’m his friend. I will support him.

Say What?

While I was daydreaming earlier, I suddenly remembered an episode of QAF that I saw way back then. I vaguely remember the exact story but what stuck to me the most is this line

“I’m need a partner, not a boyfriend”

And as usual, I started wondering what the difference between the two is. I asked a few people and here’s what they have to say:

Virgin Boy says “The word “Partner” applies only to same sex relationship while “Boyfriend/Girlfriend” is more specific to gender.”

Liberated Girl says “Partnership has less commitments compared to having a boyfriend.”

Lesbian Friend says “I don’t know”

I don’t claim that I know better than any of these people. Everyone knows that my opinion counts less than theirs. But a friend always said, we must trust our own opinions. And my opinion on this matter is this: A Partner is more intimate than a boy/girlfriend. You may have a boyfriend or girlfriend now but everything can change your mind tomorrow and get a different one. But if you have a partner, that can be for life. You are committing yourself to something, to someone, to yourself. And that, my friends is much better than anything a relationship with your boy/girlfriend can offer.

Now comes the hard part. How do you recognize if what you have right now is a potential partner or not? That, I will leave up to you. I had made mistakes about this quite enough and would not want to drag anyone down. But if you ask me now, I can say to you proudly, MB is my partner, not my boyfriend.





"Realization is the key to satisfaction"

Love Notes #8

Bhe,

I’m sorry po kahapon. I know napaka unfair ng ginawa ko. Nagpakahirap ka na makauwi ng maaga para lang magkasama tayo, ako naman, umalis at inuna ang ibang mga bagay. I’m sorry po talaga.

I know napagusapan na natin ito at dahil understanding ka, naunawaan mo ako. Pero Bhe, hangang ngayon I feel guilty sa nangyari. I should have known better. I mean, dapat mas naging responsible ako sa actions ko. I should have messaged you na matatagalan pa bago ako makabalik. Na wag ka mag alala dahil ok lang ako. Yung mga simpleng bagay na yan na lagi kong nakakalimutang gawin ang unti unting sumisira sa pagtitiwala mo sa akin. Na unti unting nananakit sayo. At sa tuwing nasasaktan ka, hindi lang doble kung di triple pa ang sakit na dadama ko. Napakasakit.

Tinanong mo ako kung ganito na lang ba tayo the entire year. Ayoko ng mangako kasi baka hindi ko matupad. Pero Bhe, gagawin ko lahat para ang taong ito ay maging mas masaya at magaan para sayo. Pipilitin kong paligayahin ka. Sa puso, sa isip, at sa gawa.

Mahal na mahal kita.

TL