Lost in Reverie Again

I believe in the idea that love doesn’t equal sex. With this idea, I came to believe that having sex with someone other than your partner is not cheating. But even though I believe in this notion, I no longer practice it. However, if MB decides to do it, I will take no offense or whatever. And you will never get me to accept that my idea is screwed up. Well not until recently anyway. Something happened that made me doubt my way of thinking.

We invited a friend to visit our place and have a few drinks. The night dragged on and we were all tipsy so we decided to let our friend to sleepover. And since we currently have only one bed and no other furniture, our friend will be sleeping with us in bed. To avoid any conflicts, I agreed to MB’s suggestion that our friend will sleep in the middle while I will take the right side and him the left side. When everything was settled, we went to bed. 

After around two or three hours, I stirred and when I opened my eyes, MB and our friend is fast asleep. I was about to go back to sleep when I noticed that our friend is wearing nothing but his boxer briefs while both MB and I are still wearing our day clothes. And as I look, I was surprised when our friend’s hand suddenly went inside his boxer’s and started jacking it off. My eyes flew to his face to see if he’s just teasing me. His eyes were closed. Could he be just dreaming? I closed my eyes and summoned all the courage I have in my body and turned my back on him. It is one thing to have sex with someone else but it is different doing it while MB is in bed with us. I was about to go back to sleep when I heard a muffled conversation. I can’t seem to understand what they were muttering so I decided to turn but continued to pretend that I’m still sleeping. When I thought I could risk opening my eyes a little, I was surprised by what I saw. Surprised mind you, not shocked. It was MB caressing our friend’s body, touching his well defined chest, his cut abs, down to his dick. “Fuck!” I said to myself. I was actually referring to our friend’s dick. It’s huge! Probably 7 inches long and is very thick. I closed my eyes again and contemplate what I should do next. I would definitely want to taste our friend as well. I mean I have fantasized about him quite often during my jack off sessions. But the thought of disrupting MB from what seems to be something he’s enjoying keeps going back to my mind. “What should I do?” I asked myself again. I decided then that I would just watch and see how things played out. I opened my eyes again and watch our friend’s face as he enjoy whatever MB’s doing to him. I lowered my eyes to see it for myself. MB’s jacking his dick slowly. Up, down, up down. He spat on his palm and stroked our friend’s dick once more while making sure that his thumb keeps on playing with its head. 

My mind is blank. I couldn’t seem to entertain any thought or any feelings. All I know is that I’m a willing watcher to whatever is transpiring before me. Then I saw MB leaned closer and was about to enveloped our friend’s dick in his mouth when my friend stopped him for a second. “Aren’t you together? I mean isn’t he your boyfriend?” He asked. I saw MB smiled and said “We’re no longer together” then proceeded with giving my friend a head. I closed my eyes and turned my back to them. Full of emotions but I don’t know what kind.

When I woke up, I realized everything was just a dream. There’s no friend of ours sleeping between us. It’s just me and MB in our room. But I can’t shake the feeling of pain that was brought to me by my dream. What I don’t know is weather I was hurt because MB decided to elicit an affair, with a friend nonetheless, in our own bed, with me by their side or the fact that MB denied our relationship. 

I would like to wake up MB and share to him my dream but I know he’s not a morning person. So instead, I just hugged him as tight as I can and whispered to his ears.

“I love you, please don’t leave me.”

Ahem!

I have a lot of drafts but I don't think I will be able to post them soon since I can't seem to finish anything with themes on it. So here I am, writing another stupid post about nothing at all.

People are still asking about my relationship with MB. I guess I left it hanging and was not able to explain what happened between the two of us. For all those who are asked, thank you! but no need to worry about us anymore. My relationship with MB is stronger than ever. What happened between us is just what one should expect once you are in a relationship living together. I've expected much worse so no need to worry about us.

Hmm what to write, what to write? I guess I could tell you about my conversation with a friend about relationships but that would be something that I'm reserving for dry days. So for now let me just tell you the story of what happened a week ago when I was asked by MB to find a place to stay for the night since a friend will need to sleep over. Its actually better than it sounds so don't go raising the alarm just yet. My plan was actually to have a drinking session with my friends but I cancelled it on the last minute because of somethings I will not discuss here. So to cut the story short, I spent the night at my office, in front of my PC, surfing, chatting, and watching whatever comes to mind. Yup even porn!

Now why did I brought up this story you ask. The friend who slept over needed a place to stay since she will be leaving for the province the following day. But the real reason was she needed someone to lean because she just found out that her boyfriend for 8 years, who left her a month ago, is currently dating his secretary! Yup his very own secretary! Isn't that such a TV/Movie cliche?

Before MB left our place to pick up his friend, he was worried that he wouldn't know what to say to comfort her since he is not a very emotional person. He could solve many things even under pressure but he's at a lost when it comes to emotions and relationships. I just smiled, kissed him, and told him that he just needs to be there for her. And being there, sometimes, means just that, being there. You don't need any fancy words but just be physically there. This somewhat gave him enough courage to push through.

Now that I'm typing this, I can't help but wonder. Will that happen to us as well? I mean, they lasted for 8 years while MB and me are just starting out. Sure they are different and but of course there are always what ifs but with trust and love I believe we can make it. And what do you know, I answered my own question! The answer is just that. Trust and Love. No one really knows what's going to happen tomorrow but with a little trust and a sprinkle of love, I believe that whatever tomorrow brings, my love for MB will just keep growing stronger. I can only hope that his love for me does too.

I just remembered something so let me finish this post with this:

"Enjoy what you have right now for you don't know if its still be there tomorrow. Now if you really don't like what you have right now, then no need to punish yourself. Just wait. for tomorrow is another day. Who knows what it may bring. So smile more, laugh a little louder, dance a little, sing one more song, and love a little better. And tomorrow, well let's leave it at that for now."  -  Anon

Something for the Road

To be honest, I don’t know how to start his post. I want it to be mushy and something that will touch the heart of the person that I intended it for. But sadly, my words are failing me. I can’t seem to compose a decent group of words that can be readable enough and at the same time, touching enough, so that it can be looked at as something special. But then again, I’m at a loss for words.

For now, I would like to apologize to whoever is reading this, for what you are reading is just a babbling of a restless mind being racked continuously to oblivion. But nevertheless, let me trudge on and tell you the things that are in the juices of my so-called “brain”.

I started blogging more than a year now. I think it was way back in February of 2007 when I first created my first post. Of course, like everyone else, I was craving for people’s attention and for them to visit my blog. And in my desire for this to happen, I visited other people’s blog. And during this “visitations” an unlikely bond was formed. Something that’s so rare in the real world that it is so hard to believe that it can happen in cyberspace. What I’m talking about here is the bond called “Friendship”. And not just any kind of friendship for that matter because what I was able to find is the truest form of friendship.

Let me enlighten you about what my take is on friendship. For me there are 5 different kinds of “friends” or more rightly put, levels of friendship:

Level 1: Acquaintances

Here fall all the people I got to chat with online, as well as all the people who asked for advices and shared opinions with. Sometimes, neighbors fall in this level too.

Level 2: Officemates

Since I spend more time in the office than I spend anywhere else, it’s just normal that I’m more attached to my colleagues than my neighbors and the people I talked to online. People who I chat with everyday though I haven’t seen yet falls in this level as well.

Level 3: Friends

Here falls all the bloggers that I share interest with and are in my list as well as those few officemates that I get to know a little better than others. These people normally gets 50% of their favors granted. Most of my exs falls in this level.

Level 4: Special Friends

My “barkada” as well as “kababata” falls in this level. “Barkada” means the special bloggers that I almost have a regular meetings with. “Kababata” or childhood friends are self explanatory. These people gets around 80% of their favors and are the people who I’m with when it comes to “having fun”. My EX falls in this level.

Level : A FRIEND

There are a very limited number of people who actually reached this level. Actually, there are no more than five who did. These people knows the real me. My pain and my fears. These are the people that I can bare everything to and still be accepted and be loved. And there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for the people on this list.

Now why do I go into great length just to explain my non-sense, self-serving, conceited, and blasphemous view of friendship? Because someone just made it to level 5! And there is no regret whatsoever from my end for letting this person into my life. For now I know, someone will catch me when I fall. Someone will be running with me when the time comes. Someone will be sitting with me inside a jail and laughing out the mischief we did. Someone will be there to tell me that I’m wrong but will still back me up no matter what. Someone who will be there no matter what.

To you Friendship, thank you.

Mike, The Magnet

You’ve read from my previous post that I was looking for the next step in my relationship with MB. I say was because I got my answer not more than a month ago. We, actually MB, invited a friend to visit our place. Visit the Love Room. And for the first time since we’ve been together, we will be having a guest as a couple. Normally, he would dismiss the idea every time I will bring it up. But that day was different! It was MB who suggested that we invite a friend to come over and have lunch! Shock as I was, I quickly regained my composure and agreed before MB changes his mind. And so we prepared for the visit of my “Friendship”.

It was back in the days of The Dark Knight when I met him. And his blog was not yet named as it is known now. And by means of exchanging messages and comments, our relationship grew deeper and bonds were formed. So deep was the bond I felt that I took the risk and started calling him “Friendship”, a name I still use until today. And what a true friend he has become. For he redefines the meaning of friendship and continuously take it to next level! And now I can say with confidence that my Friendship is indeed a diamond among the sand. A rare find that I will cherish until the end of my days.

So who is this “Friendship” that I’m talking about? I’m sure you already know for he is the friend that is close to everyone’s heart. Yes you guessed it right. The man who used to be called as Mink, the Twink before he was known as the Arabian Phoenix and now has found an identity as the Arabian Paladin. Yes it’s the guy we know as Mink. But for me, he is no longer Mink or the Arabian Paladin. For me, he is Mike, one of my dearest friends.

But apart from all his accomplishments and contributions to my life, the best thing that I will remember about Mike is this: Magnet. Magnet for he was the reason why I was able to meet the other bloggers that I can only dream to meet. For example, I never imagined in my lifetime that I will be able to meet Davenport if Mike would have not come home. Nor will I be able to meet the people who influenced my decisions and helped crafted the Dark Room at the same time. Again, it was a dream come true thanks to Mike.

Another thing about Mike that I really love is how he managed to break down the walls and barriers between different circles. You and I both know that each people have a certain circle of friends. And it is the same here in blogosphere. But thanks to Mike, he was able to combine all that and form one big circle. That’s the power only the Arabian Paladin has.

I am sure there will be more posts written about my friend Mike so for now I will skip some details and go on with my story. You see not only did Mike become my friend; he also became a friend to MB. And ever the loving MB, he accepted Mike not only in our Love Room with all the warmth and hospitality a person can offer, but also in our hearts and in our lives. I will never forget how Mike brought brightness and liveliness back in our dull and lipid place. How he manage to make MB glow with every story he shares. Or even how he reached out to us made us a part of his life.

To Mike:

You’re one of a kind. You’re my Arabian Diamond. And I thank you for sharing, bonding, and loving me as a friend should. I just hope I was able to give even half of what you have given me. I am glad that you are the first friend we have as a couple. You already have a special place in our hearts. And I can’t wait for the next year to arrive. For with the new year comes the hope of seeing you again Friendship. I miss you so much. We both do. See you soon.

To MB:

I love you so much Bhe. I cherish everyday and every moment with you. Thank you for letting me enjoy the company of friends and for being so understanding and caring. I love you with all my heart.

P.S. Don’t worry, when Mike comes back he will cook pineappled chicken again for us.

Patalastas - The Dark Knight

The Dark Knight

Kaizen and Jay Ar

Nagpaalam na ang aking kapatid na mauuna na gawa ng siya'y may mga gawaing pang nabinbin dahil sa kagustuhan at pamimilit kong makita siya. Nagpasya ako ng ihatid siya kahit hangang sakayan lang upang makapagpasalamat.

Pagbalik ko sa aming upuan, nakita kong nagpapaplitan ng kuro-kuro ang aking mga natitirang kapatid. Muli akong naupo at nakihalubilo sa kanilang masayang kwentuhan. Nagpatuloy ang ganitong tagpo hangang sumapit ang pasado ika-anim ng gabi. Nagpasya na kaming maglakad lakad upang samahan ang isa sa aking nakababatang kapatid na kunin ang kanyang pinatabing bibiling gamit sa isang tindahan. Nagpatuloy ang kulitan at pagdadaupang palad hangang sa masapit namin ang kabilang ibayo ng aming kinaruroan. Dito kami nagpasiya na maghanap ng makakainan at pasunudin na lamang ang isa pa naming kapatid na parating. Nagkaroon ng kaunting pagtatalo kung bakit wala pa siya, hangang sa wakas, nakatangap kami ng mensahe na nanduon na siya sa aming nakatakdang kitaang lugar at kasama niya ang kanyang asawa. Ang aking pagod ay napalitan ng ligaya. Sa wakas! Makikita ko na ang aking kapatid na matagal ko ng hinahanap hanap! Kahit nasa kabilang dako kami ng lugar na yaon, naglakad kami pabalik sa nakatakadang tagpuan. At ng masilayan ko ang aking kapatid at ang kaniyang kabiyak, nais kong mapaluha. Ang paghihintay na aking ginawa, ang pagod at puyat, ay lahat nabalewala. Ang aking kapatid, sa wakas, nakakausap at mahahawakan ko na. Pagpasok ko sa kanilang kinauupuang lugar, mainit kong sinalubong ang kanilang mga ngiti. Agag akong sumalampak sa upuang katabi ng aking kapatid. Kay tagal ko rin itong inasam...

Nagpatuloy ang aming daldalan ng ilang minuto lamang. Napawi man ang pagod,, ang gutom ay hindi. Nagpasya kaming kumain kung saan malapit sa lugar kung saan may kakatagpuin ang asawa ng aking kapatid. Pagdating namin sa napagkasunduang kainan, kami'y hindi tinangap. Pati sa pangalawa'y ganito din ang tagpo. Sa bandang huli, ako na ang nagdesisyon kung saan kakain. Pag dating sa kainan,kami ang pinaka maingay sa lugar na yaon. At dahil kami'y magaganda, nagpumilit kaming malipat sa lugar kung asan mas komportable ag aming pagupo.

Ang oras ay nalimot, ang pagod at gutom ay napawi, daldalan at palitan ng umaatikabong kuro-kuro ang naganap. Isang bagay na hinding hindi ko malilimutan sa aking buhay na ito. Napakasaya ng gabing iyon. Sa unang pagkakataon simula ng ginawa ko ang tahanan na ito, nakita ko kung gaano kakulay ang buhay.

Bilang pangwakas, nais ko ng ilagay sa inyong kukote kung ano ang masasabi ko sa aking kapatid at kanyang asawa na sa unang pagkakatao'y nakita ko na..

Ang aking kapatid ay isang totoong tao, marunong makisama, at higit sa lahat, mabuting tao. Mga bagay na bihirang bihira mo na makikita ngayon sa mundong mapagimbot. Isa siyang diyamante. At napakaswerte kong nilalang upang siya ay maging bahagi ng aking buhay.

Sa kabilang banda, ang kanyang asawa. Ngayon ko laman ito nakausap ngunit nakikita at nararamdaman ko na isa siyang mabuting tao at tapat sa aking kapatid. Alam kong magiging maligaya ang aking kapatid sa kanya. Siyanga pala, siya ang "wafu" na sinasabi ko. Marahil naman siguro alam na ninyo ang kahulugan noon.

"Kalidad hindi dami"

Kiddo the Light Bearer

Nais kong magbigay pugay sa isang taong nagkaroon na ng parte sa aking puso at pagkatao. Ang aking nakakabatang kapatid na ito ay walang kahalintulad para sa akin at ang kanyang pagyao ay magiiwan ng malaking pitak sa aking puso na hindi mapupunan nino man.

Hindi man kami nagkakilala ng masinsinan o nagkadaupang palad man lang, hindi ito naging hadlang upang ibigay niya ang kayang respeto at pagalang sa akin bilang isang tao. Hindi ito madaling makuha lalo na ng isang taong kagaya ko. Madumi, hampas lupa, at nakakadiri. Dito ko nasubok ang kanyang tunay na pagkatao. Kahit nabasa na niya ang aking mga napagdaan at nakaraan, ako'y kanya paring itinuring na kapamilya. Isang patunay na ang aking kapatid na kahit wala pa sa sapat na gulang ay mayroong pag-iisip ng isang taong higit doble pa ng kanyang edad.

Ang aking kapatid na ito ay nauna pang gumawa sa akin ng kanyang sarili nyang tahanan gaya nito. Ngunit sa halip na ipamukha niya ito sa akin, siya pa ang nagpakumbabang ako'y kaibiganin at palagiang bisitahin at basahin ang aking walang kwentang mga isinulat. Patunay lamang na ang aking kapatid ay isang tunay na kaibigan.

Una ko siyang nakilala sa ilalim ng ibang pangalan. Ng dahil na rin sa lakas ng hatak ng tahanan ng aking kamahalan, at ang kanyang palagiang pagbisita sa aking tahanan, pinalitan nya ang kanyang pangalan at ngayo'y mas kilala na sa ganoong alyas. Kiddo.

Ano man ang mangyari, hinding hindi ko iwawaksi sa aking isipan bagkus ito'y aking ipagmamalaki at ipagsisigawan na minsan, sa mundong ito, nakilala ko ang aking nakababatang kapatid. Kiddo, the light bearer.

CJ and Cox

Habang patuloy ang pagpapalitan namin ng kuro-kuro ng aking kapatid, biglang may dumaan na umagaw sa aking pansin. At dahil malabo na ang aking paningin, kinailangan kong lapitan ang lalaking ito upang masiguro na siya na nga aking isa pang kadaupang palad sa araw na yaon. Hindi naman ako nagkamali. Siya nga ang aking nakababatang kapatid.

Niyakag ko siya papunta sa kinauupuan namin ng aking kapatid. Pinakilala ko sila sa isa't isa dahil bagama't kami'y magkakapatid sa pananampalataya sa iglesiya ni Batman, ngayon pa lamang sila magkikita. Matapos ang mabilisang pagpapakilala, umupo na ang aking nakababatang kapatid. Nagsimula muli ang aming salaysayan. Ninais ko na sandaling manahimik upang pagbigyan ang aking mga kapatid na makapalagayan ng loob. Ang aking kapatid ay siyang siya sa kanyang pagsasalsay ng kanyang mga naranasan na tiyak ko naman na ikinatuwa ng aking nakababatang kapatid. Nakakatuwa silang pagmasdan. Pansin na pansin na sila ay sabik na makilala ang bawa't isa.

Ito ang ika-apat na pagkikita namin ng aking nakababatang kapatid. Marami na rin akong naisulat tungkol sa kanya sa aking mga lumang tirahan. Para sa mga ngayon lamang nagbabasa,, ang aking nakakabatang kapatid ay isang tsinoy. Kagaya ng maraming tsinoy, siya'y maputi at matangkad. At dahil kapatid ko siya, siya ay isang kaaya-ayang tao. Mabait, mapagkumbaba, matikas, makisig, at higit sa lahat, totoong tao. Ako ay napakapalad na magkaroon ng kapatid na kagaya niya.

Nagpatuloy ang aming palitan ng kuro-kuro. Kung ako'y hindi nagkakamali, pati ang pagsusuot ng mga simbulo, kagaya ng simbulo ng Alemanya nung panahon ni Hitler, ay aming napagusapan. Kung ano anong mga ideya ang aming napagusapan. nakaktuwang isipin na sa sobrang pagka aliw namin sa aming salaysayan ay hindi namin namalayan ang oras. Napabalik lang kami sa kasalukuyang panahon ng may umagaw muli ng aking pansin. Ang aking ikatlong kikitain ng araw na iyon. Ang aking kapatid na saksi ni Kulafu!

Nilapitan ko siya upang batiin. Pero dahil siguro sa hinhin ng aking boses, hindi niya ako nadinig kaya siya ay naglakad palayo. Hinabol ko siya upang tapikin sa likod. Nang nakuha ko na ang kanayang pansin, itinuro ko kung nasaan kami at niyakag siya papunta sa aming kinauupuan.

Ang aking kapatid na ito ang isa sa dalawang taong malapit sa aking puso. Noong panahon na walang pumapansin sa aking mga lumang tahanan, silang dalawa ng aking isa pang kapatid ang walang humpay na dumalaw at nagpalakas ng aking loob. Ito ang aming ikatlong pagkikita kung tutuusin. Nailathala ko na rin sa aking lumang tahanan ang aking paglalarawan sa kanya pero para sa kapakanan ng mga hindi nakabasa, ang kapatid kong ito ay moreno, matikas, mabait, at may natural na gandang nararamdaman mo kahit sa malayo. Ganoon katindi ang kanyang anyo.

Nang siya ay nakaupo na at ang pagpapakilala ay natapos na, nagtuloy ang aming salaysayan at palitan ng kuro-kuro. Dumating pa ang punto kung saan kaming magkakapatid ay nagpalipas oras sa pamamagitan ng panlalait sa mga taong nagdaraan. Ang aking nakakabatang kapatid ay hindi sumabay sa aming ginagawa bagkus siya ay nanahimik na lamang. Ito ay hindi ko na ikinagitla dahil hindi naman talaga niya gawain ang yaon.

Nagpatuloy pa ang aming salaysayan hangang sa nagsimulang magalburoto ang aming mga sikmura dahil sa gutom. Nagpasya kaming mag antay pa ng kaunti para sa isa pa naming kapatid. Sa puntong ito, nagpaalam na ang isa sa aking kapatid. Kinakailangan na niyang yumao dahil mayroong mga bagay siyang kailangang asikasuhin sa kanyang tahanan. Sayang nga lamang at hindi niya makikilala ang isa ko pang kapatid.

Mugen

Nitong nagdaang sabado, binigyan ako ng pagkakataon na makita ang mga taong malapit sa aking buhay manunulat. Matagal tagal ko na ring ninais na makita ang aking mga kapatid sa pananampalataya sa iglesiya ni kulapu at saksi ni batman.

Paguwi ko ng Sabado ng umaga, ramdam na ramdam ko ang matinding pananabik na makapiling ang aking mga kapatid. Ninais ko na wag na umidlip upang hindi mahuli sa oras ng aming kitaan. Ngunit ang kalabit ng aking minamahal ay hindi kayang tangihan (Madalang na nga tatangihan ko pa?) Sa aking kapaguran, napahimbing ang aking tulog. Nagulat na lang ako ng gisingin ako ng aking irog at sabihing ika-dalawa na ng hapon. Dagli akong tumayo sa aking higaan at nagtapi ng tuwalya upang lumabas at magpadala ng mensahe sa aking kapatid na ako'y pupunta. Hindi na ako nagintay ng saogt. Ako ay naligo't nagbihis, hinagkan ang aking mahal, at umalis ng aming bahay.

Dumating ako sa aming usapang lugar ng lapas sa pinagusapang oras. Nakakahiya sa aking kapatid. Unang pagtatagpo at pinagintay ko na siya kaagad. Ngunit ng tawagan ko siya ay wala na siya sa aming pinagusapang lugar. Ako'y kinabahan panandalian. Lumipat lang pala siya ng lugar. Dagli akong nagtungo sa lugar ng mga aklat. Papalapit pa lang ako, nagtagpo na ang aming mga mata. Alam ng bawa't isa na dumating na ang panahong aming inintay.

Mainit ang kanyang pagtangap sa akin kahit na ako'y medyo paimportante. Ako may hindi naitago ang aking galak na makita siya kaya hindi na nabantayan ang lakas ng aking boses. Pinagtinginan tuloy kami ng mga matrona at mga taong naliligaw ng landas.

Tumuloy kami sa lugar kung saan maari kaming makaupo at makasilay ng mga isda. Habang naglalakad, tuloy ang aming palitan ng kwentuhan. Walang katapusan. Ng masapit namin ang aming patutunguhan, sandali naming pinagpahinga ang aming mga paa ngunit ang aming mga dila'y tuloy ang pagkisay. Marami kaming napagusapan. Nagpalitan ng mga larawan ng minamahal. Pati ng mga kuro kuro tungkol sa iba pang mga kapatid sa pananampalataya ay napagusapan namin. Lalo na ang bagong samahang kanyang kinabibilangan. Dito ako humanga ng lubos sa aking kapatid. Bibihira ang taong kagaya nya. Totoo, mapagkakatiwalan, nakaapak ang paa sa lupa, at sa dami ng pinagdaan, tiyak na mapagkukunan ng mabubuting aral. Siyanga pala, kung siya ay ihahambing ko sa isang bagay, ang aking kapatid ay isang tipak ng bundok yelo na lumulutang sa karagatan.

Patuloy ang aming kwentuhan. Sa sobrang sarap niyang kausap ay nalimot ko na ang oras at panahon. Natigil lang panadalian ang aming usapan ng may dumaan...