Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Last Week

Last week, from 142 lbs. I am now a measly 128 lbs. To some, it might be a good thing but not for me. I’m what you call a natural lean. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get the pounds I needed to get bulky. So if you see me now, you would say that I’m a walking skeleton hahaha!

Last week, I missed going my friend’s pre-birthday bash. I also missed going to his birthday celebration. And I hate myself for that. As a message I once received said:

“There are two great things in life. Friends, and Beer. And the best times usually involves both”

I also missed working. Not that I no longer have a job. I still do. But not being able to do what the company is paying you for tends to become boring. Especially for a workaholic like me, I miss the pressure, the deadlines, and the complaints.

Also, last week, I missed my bed. Its warmth, and its softness. More importantly, I miss the person I go to bed with. Yes, we still each other from time to time but it’s a different thing sleeping in two separate beds. It just didn’t feel right.

Last week, I decided to confront one of my fears. And luckily for me, it’s not really as scary as I thought it is. And thank goodness I have a friend who’s with me till the very end. Who virtually hold my hand and comforts me with kind words.

Last week, I was admitted in Medical City due to complications in my paranasal sinus and nasal cavity. Actually, as I am writing this, I’m still in the hospital waiting for my clearance from my doctor that I can finally check out and go home.

Last week, I miss being with MB. I miss his touch, his voice, his laugh, his angelic eyes, his warm embrace, and his smell.

Last week was hell. I hope this week is better.


I just finished watching the season finale of House MD season 4.  Amber, the girlfriend of Dr. Wilson, is the patient and so on and so forth. Watch the episode to find out more.

Anyway, what happened in the end part is what moved me into making this post. Amber died. And I can’t stop my tears from falling. The scene where Wilson lies besides Amber before he “pulls the plug” is a real tear jerker. 

Back to my post. As I watch this scene unfold, I can’t help but wonder what I would feel if I was in his shoes. I mean, what if it was MB who’s lying there and someone told be me he’s about to die? Honestly, the first thing that comes to my mind is rage. I would probably rip apart the person who tells me that I will lose the love of my life. Then after I’m done with that person, I would then charge in the room and god knows what I would do. 

But then, come to think of it, I wouldn’t really hurt the person who will tell me that MB is dying or worse, dead. I would probably just collapse, find a seat, and be detached from reality.

Or I could start asking questions. Ask the doctor why or how or even when. Maybe even challenge the doctor’s diagnosis and look for another doctor for a second opinion. 

Or I can just walk into the room, sit beside my love, hold his hand, and kiss him one last time.

All of these are just possibilities and nothing is certain. But one thing I would sure do if MB kicks the bucket before me. I would follow him not a moment too soon.

“A life without love is worse than death ” - Anon

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Boston Legal

I’ve wanted to post something about the series me and MB is currently watching. Yup, you’ve guessed it right! It’s Boston Legal.

Basically, the series revolves around the folks in a law firm named Crane, Poole and Schmidt. And what I really liked about them is that the people in the firm are so unbelievable, you can actually enjoy watching TV and know that it’s just TV. No pretension and make believes. It’s just pure fun.

The main personality in the program is lawyer Alan Shore played by James Spader. But the person who I like most is the named partner, Denny Crane portrayed by William Shatner. Now Denny Crane used to be the biggest gun in the state of Boston before mad cow / Alzheimer’s got his brains. But that didn’t stop him from being larger than life. Even when he just walks in the room, you know, he’s the big guy. Every single time I see him in the screen, the episodes suddenly is alive. Kudos to William Shatner for his great acting!

Now, so much for my “review”. This post is actually about the episode I saw earlier today. It’s about many other things but what struck me most is the smoker client of Alan Shore who can’t give up smoking to save her life. But when she said that what she missed about smoking is how it is a time away from the frenzy, hate, stress, and whatever else she mentioned, and how it gives her a peace of mind, even if its just a couple of minutes, it made me realized something. The reason why I always wait for MB before I take my lunch time, even if it means waiting the entire day, the wait pales to the time I will spend with him. Even if it’s only a couple of minutes or an hour, it’s worth the wait. Because that’s my time away from stress, away from problems, away from suffering, away from boredom, away from anyone else but him. My time and my space are directed only to one person. All my energy, my effort, is given to him. And with that, I know my day wasn’t a waste at all.

“Spending even a nanosecond with your love one is enough reason to keep fighting” - Anon

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Lost in Reverie Again

I believe in the idea that love doesn’t equal sex. With this idea, I came to believe that having sex with someone other than your partner is not cheating. But even though I believe in this notion, I no longer practice it. However, if MB decides to do it, I will take no offense or whatever. And you will never get me to accept that my idea is screwed up. Well not until recently anyway. Something happened that made me doubt my way of thinking.

We invited a friend to visit our place and have a few drinks. The night dragged on and we were all tipsy so we decided to let our friend to sleepover. And since we currently have only one bed and no other furniture, our friend will be sleeping with us in bed. To avoid any conflicts, I agreed to MB’s suggestion that our friend will sleep in the middle while I will take the right side and him the left side. When everything was settled, we went to bed. 

After around two or three hours, I stirred and when I opened my eyes, MB and our friend is fast asleep. I was about to go back to sleep when I noticed that our friend is wearing nothing but his boxer briefs while both MB and I are still wearing our day clothes. And as I look, I was surprised when our friend’s hand suddenly went inside his boxer’s and started jacking it off. My eyes flew to his face to see if he’s just teasing me. His eyes were closed. Could he be just dreaming? I closed my eyes and summoned all the courage I have in my body and turned my back on him. It is one thing to have sex with someone else but it is different doing it while MB is in bed with us. I was about to go back to sleep when I heard a muffled conversation. I can’t seem to understand what they were muttering so I decided to turn but continued to pretend that I’m still sleeping. When I thought I could risk opening my eyes a little, I was surprised by what I saw. Surprised mind you, not shocked. It was MB caressing our friend’s body, touching his well defined chest, his cut abs, down to his dick. “Fuck!” I said to myself. I was actually referring to our friend’s dick. It’s huge! Probably 7 inches long and is very thick. I closed my eyes again and contemplate what I should do next. I would definitely want to taste our friend as well. I mean I have fantasized about him quite often during my jack off sessions. But the thought of disrupting MB from what seems to be something he’s enjoying keeps going back to my mind. “What should I do?” I asked myself again. I decided then that I would just watch and see how things played out. I opened my eyes again and watch our friend’s face as he enjoy whatever MB’s doing to him. I lowered my eyes to see it for myself. MB’s jacking his dick slowly. Up, down, up down. He spat on his palm and stroked our friend’s dick once more while making sure that his thumb keeps on playing with its head. 

My mind is blank. I couldn’t seem to entertain any thought or any feelings. All I know is that I’m a willing watcher to whatever is transpiring before me. Then I saw MB leaned closer and was about to enveloped our friend’s dick in his mouth when my friend stopped him for a second. “Aren’t you together? I mean isn’t he your boyfriend?” He asked. I saw MB smiled and said “We’re no longer together” then proceeded with giving my friend a head. I closed my eyes and turned my back to them. Full of emotions but I don’t know what kind.

When I woke up, I realized everything was just a dream. There’s no friend of ours sleeping between us. It’s just me and MB in our room. But I can’t shake the feeling of pain that was brought to me by my dream. What I don’t know is weather I was hurt because MB decided to elicit an affair, with a friend nonetheless, in our own bed, with me by their side or the fact that MB denied our relationship. 

I would like to wake up MB and share to him my dream but I know he’s not a morning person. So instead, I just hugged him as tight as I can and whispered to his ears.

“I love you, please don’t leave me.”