Friday, March 28, 2008

Something for the Road

To be honest, I don’t know how to start his post. I want it to be mushy and something that will touch the heart of the person that I intended it for. But sadly, my words are failing me. I can’t seem to compose a decent group of words that can be readable enough and at the same time, touching enough, so that it can be looked at as something special. But then again, I’m at a loss for words.

For now, I would like to apologize to whoever is reading this, for what you are reading is just a babbling of a restless mind being racked continuously to oblivion. But nevertheless, let me trudge on and tell you the things that are in the juices of my so-called “brain”.

I started blogging more than a year now. I think it was way back in February of 2007 when I first created my first post. Of course, like everyone else, I was craving for people’s attention and for them to visit my blog. And in my desire for this to happen, I visited other people’s blog. And during this “visitations” an unlikely bond was formed. Something that’s so rare in the real world that it is so hard to believe that it can happen in cyberspace. What I’m talking about here is the bond called “Friendship”. And not just any kind of friendship for that matter because what I was able to find is the truest form of friendship.

Let me enlighten you about what my take is on friendship. For me there are 5 different kinds of “friends” or more rightly put, levels of friendship:

Level 1: Acquaintances
Here fall all the people I got to chat with online, as well as all the people who asked for advices and shared opinions with. Sometimes, neighbors fall in this level too.

Level 2: Officemates
Since I spend more time in the office than I spend anywhere else, it’s just normal that I’m more attached to my colleagues than my neighbors and the people I talked to online. People who I chat with everyday though I haven’t seen yet falls in this level as well.

Level 3: Friends
Here falls all the bloggers that I share interest with and are in my list as well as those few officemates that I get to know a little better than others. These people normally gets 50% of their favors granted. Most of my exs falls in this level.

Level 4: Special Friends
My “barkada” as well as “kababata” falls in this level. “Barkada” means the special bloggers that I almost have a regular meetings with. “Kababata” or childhood friends are self explanatory. These people gets around 80% of their favors and are the people who I’m with when it comes to “having fun”. My EX falls in this level.

Level : A FRIEND
There are a very limited number of people who actually reached this level. Actually, there are no more than five who did. These people knows the real me. My pain and my fears. These are the people that I can bare everything to and still be accepted and be loved. And there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for the people on this list.

Now why do I go into great length just to explain my non-sense, self-serving, conceited, and blasphemous view of friendship? Because someone just made it to level 5! And there is no regret whatsoever from my end for letting this person into my life. For now I know, someone will catch me when I fall. Someone will be running with me when the time comes. Someone will be sitting with me inside a jail and laughing out the mischief we did. Someone will be there to tell me that I’m wrong but will still back me up no matter what. Someone who will be there no matter what.

To you Friendship, thank you.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Crisis Over

“I never thought that I would be in this position again…”

I said to myself as I contemplate the possibility of a more serious action to hopefully remedy my ailing relationship. As you have read from my previous post, my relationship with MB is taking a big hit. We haven’t spoken for the longest time and I was afraid that we will both get used to it that eventually we’ll just ignore each other. It is the very thing that will guarantee the failure of any relationship.

As I look at my current situation, a decision was formulated. A gambit that might spell doom for what I and MB have or it might just be the very thing that can save it. And even if the consequence is so dear, I believe that the time for half measure and talk is over. If I don’t act now, the very thing that keeps me going all this time will be at its end. And if that happens, I don’t think there will be enough pieces left to piece back the puzzle.

And so, as I plot what could have been the biggest decision I had to make since I became attached to someone, something happened. Someone I barely knew approached me from behind and reminded me about something I have planned back in November. So for what it’s worth, I ditched the plan I created moments ago and reverted to the one I had back then. I grabbed a post-it and scribbled something as I walk to MB’s station. And I guess the gods are smiling at me during this time because MB is not there; giving me all the time that I needed.

Time flew and it was time for me to see if this so called “last hurrah” will bear any fruit. I kept my fingers crossed as I open the doors to our place, our so called Love Room, hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong to think that drastic means is the only answer left.

As I enter our place, the silence that greeted me gave me a sense foreboding that I just stop dead in my tracks, afraid to move and step into our bedroom just to find that my efforts are in vain. After like a year has passed, I finally decided to move and get it over with.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Love Notes #9


It has been a long week. Normally, it would have been a breeze. But now, it's tiring, stressful, and it's driving me crazy. We haven't had a real conversation for the longest time since we've been together. I don't know how much more I can take it. I know you have every right to be mad after what I happened. I'm stupid, stubborn, and irresponsible. But please do believe me when I say that I am trying to change. Because I don't want this relationship to end. I want to fight for it, for this, for us. Because nothing is more important to me right now than to you. But Bhe, I need to know that you need me too. That you love me too. Because I feel so tired and stressed out right now that for the first time since we moved in together, I'm starting to doubt. I don't want to continue on this path but you're not giving me any alternative right now. Please, please, please help me. I can't do this on my own.

A friend sent me a message saying that a successful relationship requires one to fall inlove everyday with the same person. I can say with all my heart that I am. Every single time I see you, your smile, your smell, even the sound of your laugh makes me fall for you more and more each day. There is no one else in this world I would rather be than be with you. I love you so much. But Bhe, please give me something to hold on to. Because no matter how deep the well might be, time will come that it will dry out if it's not being replenished from time to time. And right now, as much as I would regret admitting it, the well is drying out. A famine is in the horizon and its scaring the life out of me.

Please save me...