Explain Explain

After my trashy post, I come back with a new post about love. Still boring and filled with trash but at least it's in English :)

I just watched this movie “After Sex” and it reminded me about a message I received from my ex a long time ago.

“Don’t ask me how I know I love you. For love is not meant to be explained. It’s meant to be felt.”

And I have to say, after receiving that message, I never felt the same. I mean I always answered the questions of my friends that I have no idea why I’m with this person but it just feels good when we’re together. I never thought that I was giving the right answer about being in-love. Because love is not something you can quantify or something that you can attribute to your partners eyes, legs, face, even mind. It is something you feel towards that person. And don’t tell me that you “love” that person because he/she is kind, sweet, honest, beautiful, loyal, faithful, monogamous, or whatever you have in your mind. I hate to break it to you but that my friend is not love! Those are just what you see when you are in-love and even if those things are absent, you don’t give a damn because no matter what short comings that person has, your feelings will not change. And don’t give me that lame reason of him/her making you feel complete. That’s not love either. If that’s love, you won’t feel complete; you’ll feel that you want to be a better person for that person. Now that, that’s Love.

There will come a point in your life that you will find that one person that will make you feel that you want to be a better person. And you want to wake up every morning beside that person. Smelling his/her hair and preparing a breakfast for two. But unfortunately, not all will have the guts to jump and take the risk. Some will be too scared of the possible pain that they will cower away from what will make them happy. But I can’t blame them. Because to tell you the truth, even if you feel that you want nothing more in this world that to be with that person for the rest of your life but the person you’re feeling this to is not reciprocating it, then you will just end up in a world of pain. But that’s the beauty of it. Love is like jumping into a pool without knowing if it’s deep or shallow. If it’s shallow you will end up hurting. But if it’s deep, well you will be in for the ride of your life. I have taken that jump twice. The first time I was hurt pretty bad. I even promised myself that I will never jump ever again. But then I met MB, and I was never the same again.

To end this post let me tell you about a quote from a friend that said something like this:

I don't know how but I do. And I don't know any other way. I love you.

I’m paraphrasing of course but you get my idea right? If it’s something you can quantify or basically anything that you can explain, then that’s not love. It’s just lust. And sometimes it’s better. Especially if you’re honest to yourself.





“Explained Love is Sugar-coated Lust” - Anon

Non-Sense Post

Hindi ko alam kung anong meron pero nahihirapan ako magsulat ng bagong post. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit parang lahat ng sinusulat ko ngayon eh basura at walang saysay. Magtatatlong araw ko ng sinusubukan pero wala talaga. Sasabihin nanaman ng iba dyan ang drama drama ko. Eh panong gagawin ko ganito talaga ako. Pinanganak na madrama.

Ang dapat pamagat ng post ko eh “Sun and Politics” dahil gusto kong ikwento kung bakit ako nagpalit ng network provider. Pero dahil hindi ako makabuo ng isang kwento sasabihin ko na lang agad kung bakit. Nagpalit ako ng network kasi may nakilala akong bagong kaibigan. At dahil gusto kong makilala siya ng lubusan, nagpalit ako ng network. Uunahan na kita. Hindi ko siya kasintahan o anuman at oo malakas talaga siya sa akin dahil nagpalit pa ako ng numero para lang makausap siya. Hindi nya hiniling na magpalit ako. May topak lang talaga ako kaya ganito. Pero matapos ang dalawang araw na kwentuhan at paguusap, inaalikabok na ang telepono ko. Nagiisip na nga akong bumalik sa dati kong numero para naman may silbi ang telepono ko.

Sa loob ng dalawang araw na kwentuhan, madami kaming napagusapan. Madalas ang usapan ay tungkol sa Moon. Wag mo na akong tanungin kung bakit tungkol sa Moon ang usapan at hindi kita sasagutin. Pero ang pinaka nagustuhan kong usapan naming ay nung nagusap kami ng ala-una ng umaga na umabot hangang alas kwatro ng umaga. Ano piangusapan namin? Moon nanaman. Pero nung araw na yon, medyo naiba ang usapan dahil nahaluan ng politika. Nagbiruan pa nga kami kung ano ang gagawin namin kung kami ang presidente ng Pilipinas. Sabi ko ang gagawin ko eh tatangal ko ng Pork Barrel ang mga mambabatas dahil hindi naman sila hinalal para magpagawa ng mga tulay, kalsada, at eskwelahan. Nandyan sila para gumawa ng batas. Wag nilang agawan ng trabaho ang mga lokal na opisyal. Tapos sabi ko pa na hindi dapat binibigay ang budget sa bawat syudad at bayan. Dapat merong pangbansang budget kung saan manggagaling ang mga kailangan ng bawat bayan. At hindi pera ang makukuha nila kung hindi materyales na kailangan nila para sa kanilang proyekto. Sa ganitong paraan, mababawasan ang korapsyon. Ganyan ang napagusapan naming at kung ano ano pang mga kahibangan.

Ang panghuling bahagi dapat ng post ko ay tungkol kay tungkol sa bigat na dinadala ko ngayon. Nitong nakaraang mga araw, ninais kong lumabas ng aking kwarto para maiba naman ang tanawin. Kasi naisip ko lang na kung lagi akong nakakulong sa apat na sulok ng kwarto ko at lumalabas lamang para magtrabaho, hindi ko makakalimutan ang sakit at lungkot na nadadama ko dahil sa aking ina. Sinubukan kong ayain ang aking mga kaibigan yun nga lang, meron silang mga kanya kanyang buhay at suliranin na dapat din harapin. Nagpapasalamat ako kay Macoy sa kanyang pagdamay sa aking noong nakaraang Lingo. Kahit na antok na antok na at may pasok pa kinabukasan, sinamahan nya akong magkape kahit ang ginawa lang namin ay magtitigan at makipagusap sa kanya kanyang telepono. Sayo Macoy, salamat ng marami!

Whew! Ang haba ng litanya ko! Isipin nyo, yan ang pinagtityagaan ni MB sa araw-araw. Kaya mahal na mahal ko yun eh. Kahit puro drama ako, hindi nya ako iniiwan. Hindi nya ako pinapagalitan. Bagkus, lalo pa nya akong iniintindi at minamahal. Wala na akong mahihiling pa.

LDR

I was talking to a very dear friend of mine earlier today about his problems with his partner. Normally I would asked him to hold on and fight for their love but not this time. My reason, I'm not a big fan of LDR

Long distance relationships or LDRs for short is one of the hardest kinds of relationship to maintain. The chances that this kind of relationship will last are less than 20%. This is mainly because more often than not, the relationship has a foundation of pretensions. I would like to say “lies” but I will be wrong. This is where the phrase “Put your best foot forward” comes in. I think this phrase was invented when someone was quoted saying “First impressions lasts”. The latter quotation is of course by all means correct. But the second saying gives me the creeps. But what do I know, I’m a nobody.

Going back now to the topic, people who are in LDR, and I’m not saying all of them, put their best foot forward. This mostly happens in the beginning of the relationship, when one party is trying to impress the other side. Trying to get their trust and establishing a comfort zone with them. Of course people will point out that this is just the first part of the relationship and will be of little significance if you get to know the person better as time goes by. What these people are forgetting is the second saying that I mentioned earlier. “First impressions lasts” because they do. And those people who put their best foot forward will have to continue doing so for the rest of the relationship so as not to disappoint the other party, especially if that person has already fallen for the other. This is where it starts to get ugly. I’m not saying that the person who put their best foot forward is lying to the other side. He or she is not. For all we know, he or she is really that kind of person, just not all the time. The problem will come in when that person will have to pretend that he/she is that kind of person, the person the other side has fallen for, even though he/she is not like that every single time.

Just for arguments sake, let’s say that the relationship lasted for 7 months or even a year. Everything is going the way you planed and then you decided that you will now let the other side know the real you. Of course by now you are thinking that since both of you love each other, he/she will accept you for who you really are. Some will, but some won’t. And this is where the relationship will start to plummet. Because even if the person who you fall in-love with accepts the real you, time will come that he/she will start to think that you are not the person he/she fell in-love with in the first place. Tragic but true.

Putting your best foot forward is pretending to be someone who you really are not. And in the process, you will hurt yourself and the people around you. Most people know this but they are still doing it. The reason is they just want to get accepted. I, for one, had fallen prey to this kind of relationship a long time ago. Luckily for me, I’m a pain in the ass and borderline boring. So after 4 months of LDR, I decided to pay my so-called partner a visit in his far home town. Good thing I have the guts to do so or else I wouldn’t know the real person I’m getting involved with. I will probably be still stuck with that person until now and have not found MB.

I can’t say that I’m not doing this “pretending” show. For all I know, I’m just trying to be who I am even if it irritates the hell out the person I’m trying to be friends with. I think its better this way than pretending to be someone that I’m not just so people will like me. I’m just being me. so If I pester your day with questions of pepper you with generic txt messages, I'm just being me. But of course it’s not an excuse not to change. For hurting people, intentional or not, is something that no should be allowed to do.





"Pretending wastes your chances to be happy" - Anon

When A Gay Man Loves...

I heard about this docu-film from one of the groups I belonged to online. So I got curious and downloaded it. At first I thought that it’s a porn flick because the place where I got it was a place known for it. But after watching it, it was actually about the experiences of our effem friends about falling in-love. And I have to admit, while half watching half listening, I can’t help but feel giggles especially during the part when an actor called his ex and asked for just one more time. Not chance but time. And as he cries while begging for his last hurrah, I was reminded by the people I hurt, the people I gave false hope, and the people whom I deceived.

The documentary also features interviews from people of different religion. And as you know, the Catholics have their stand as well as the Baptists. But what struck me most is what was said by one wizened lady in the form of Fe Alguso of the United Church of Christ in the Philippines. She said that she can accept the homosexuals as a person but she can’t accept a homosexual relationship. I guess what she said is the best thing that came out of religion. Not that I care if they, i.e. religious people, or anyone for that matter, accepts the kind of relationship I decided to enter. But for those people who are waiting for religion to accept who and what they are so that they can “come out”, this is, for me, is the best thing that they could hope for.

For most part, this documentary tackles the topic of homosexuality being a sin as seen by religious people. And of course, the point of view of our effem friends is that it is not. For me the jury is still out when it comes to this matter. And since I’m not religious, it will not matter if it’s a sin or not.

I have been doing this since November of 2005. And even though I can’t say that I have tried everything about this life, I certainly can tell that I have been into relationships that can last me a lifetime. But for all the people whom I was lucky enough to come across with, I’ve only fell in-love twice. Although I can’t say that I was in a serious relationship with one of them, it was still a fun feeling being in-love. And as John Lapus said in this documentary, how can something, that was born of love, and brings happiness to your miserable life can be a sin? For me, I can certainly say that being with MB is one of the best things that ever happened to my life. And if it is a sin, then this is the sin that I will burn in hell for without any regrets.

Happy Valentines Day My Love.






“Sin or not, love like you never love before” - Anon

V Day Blues

It’s Valentine’s Day again and people are cramming to find someone to be with. I have no arguments about that. If they think that by having someone, they will be happy, they by all means, let them do as they please. But if they are looking for people to be with just for the sake of not being alone on that specific date, you’re not lonely, you’re loony.

Forgive me for my introduction for I have the tendency to pick fights with every word I utter. And it doesn’t have any connection with today’s post. I mean no connection with the “picking fight” thingy. But of course this is a Valentine’s Day post.

This will be the second V day that I will share with MB. But just the same as last year, we will both be in the office, ignoring each other, as we try to accomplish the day’s work. Last year, I tried to ask MB to dinner around 12midnight. Yes I know it’s already the 15th but what the heck! It’s the effort that counts. But of course, being the process lead, MB can’t come with me. But that’s last year. It’s history. Now is what’s important. And I intend to make MB feel special on that day, although I have no idea how to do it.

V day has it’s own perks. In our company, there will be a cork board posted outside so we can post our “love messages” to our crushes and love ones. I intend to make use of it as soon as no one is looking. You may not know this but we are discreet and the relationship MB and I have are kept under wraps. But of course, even with perks, V day comes with its on problems. Here’s some that I currently face:

First concern of the day, “Zero Balance”. Yup I have not a penny to my name as of today. I’m crossing my fingers that our salary will be released on the 13th so that I will be able to buy something for MB or even to pay for our dinner. But then I realized that even if my salary does come out on that day, it will be spent paying debts. Ah the beauty of misery…

Second concern of the day, “Work”. Yes we will be in the same place on that day but don’t forget that we both have our jobs to take care of. We don’t go to our office just to chat and post blogs. Well not MB anyway. So how can I steal him from his desk when last year I was unsuccessful? Hhmmm…

Of course every problem has its corresponding solution. In this matter, I already know what I need to do. The only question is, “will I do it?” Right now, I have no idea…








"Every day is a special day if you decide it is one" - Anon

Grey's Anatomy

Time

MB is currently watching Grey’s Anatomy. And since we are living together, I was drag in the process. I have to say that I first watched it out of my love to MB but I can’t help but fall for this show. It grows in you.

Anyway, I mentioned it because this post blossomed whiled watching an episode last week. I just can’t figure out what. But what I do know is that at the latter part of the episode, when Meredith Grey is doing her monologue, she mentioned that everybody needs more time. That everyone, demands more time. Time…

I’m currently lost in my thoughts as I think about Time. Surely I’m wondering why I can’t have more time working so I can earn a little extra. Why I can’t have more time so that I can sleep a little longer. Why can’t I have more time to spend with MB every day. Why can’t I have more time with my mum. Why can’t I…

It saddens me deeply to think about all the time I lost by staying away from home. Or even all the time that I spent in the office away from MB. It saddens me deeply and it’s breaking my heart.

Time changes everything. It can even heal the deepest wounds in our hearts. For with time, comes change. With change comes maturity. With maturity comes forgiveness. But why can’t we stop time? Why can’t we have our moments together with our love ones a little longer? Why can’t we just stay here, in this time, and remain happy forever? Why…

I’m stopping right now because obviously, I have a lot of questions in my head right now that I can’t compose even a respectable post. And obviously, even if I said that I was ok, I clearly wasn’t. But maybe it’s ok not to be ok. Maybe it’s ok that sometimes, we’re miserable. That sometimes, we are not ok. And maybe in time, I will be ok…

Time.









“Time waits for no one” - Anon

Henry's Tag

I was tagged by Henry last January 15 but I was only able to finish it today. So here it is…


1. Name 1 thing you do everyday:
- Read whatever book I'm currently in to

2. Name 2 things you wish you could learn.
- How to save money
- How to save more money

3. Name 3 things that remind you of your childhood.
- Reading blogs
- Going back home (I live in an apartment with MB)
- Talking to my little brother

4. Name 4 things you love to eat but rarely do.
- Apple
- Chocolate
- Ice Cream
- Chicken Curry

5. Name 5 things that make you feel good.
- Hug from MB
- Compliments from MB
- Being with MB
- Kiss from MB
- Receiving comments for my posts


I’m currently not in the mood to tag anyone so to all that read this, your TAGGED!