Eighteenth

I got up early and cook breakfast for two. Although it’s just a simple meal, I cooked it with all the love I’m feeling today. Unfortunately, it was left on the table for hours without being touched. MB is still in bed refusing to stand or to make any sudden movements. He wants to make sure he has a full rest for today’s Monday. And we both know that Monday is a hell day for the both of us. So I let him be and satisfied myself with watching dvds that we bought from Carriedo the other day.

Around noon time, MB finally got out of bed and decided that it’s time to meet the day’s warm embrace. He noticed the cold food in the table and muttered something about not waking him up. I just smiled and gave him a huge hug. Kissed his cheeks and asked him if he wants me to warm the food for him. He said otherwise so we started to dig in. Nothing is better than to start your day with a good laugh and to eat with your love one I said to myself. So we continued to savor our cold foods and laugh at what’s on TV.

After our brunch, we each took our showers and went straight to pay our bills. Everything was planned until we reached our destination. The establishment we were to pay is closed. A thought came to mind when MB mentioned that the next nearest place we can go is in our old neighborhood. I immediately suggested that we go there right then without giving any reasons why. Luckily for me he agreed. When we reached our destination, I was awed by how much the place barely changed. I can still see the placed we frequent during our habitual nighttime walk. Even the place where we spend our mornings for breakfast is still there. I just grabbed MB’s hand and smiled at him. The place reminded me of how much I’m inlove with my bebhe. Now I wish I said these exact words instead of just staring at his eyes and smiling sheepishly.

When we got in the office, we parted ways. No words were yet exchange about how important this day is. Hours passed and we each began becoming busy by the moment when a friend suddenly sent me a message. I saw a window and mentioned to my friend to tell something to MB. After a few minutes, I smiled. Bingo.

While I’m writing this, I can help but smile to myself. Though I look really stupid infront of my colleagues for they see me typing something in winword while smiling stupidly. What do I care? For all I know now, that even though things like this come in scarce nowadays, it just makes it more worthwhile to try harder to get it. Because even for just a second of happiness, a single smile, a single laugh, or a second of being with the person you love the most, it’s all worth it.

Happy 18th Monthsary Bhe :)

“A genuine smile is worth more than any gold you can find – more so, if it came from a love one.” - Anon

Lost in Reverie

I was “cruising” the familiar sites as always when I got the call. I ran as fast as I can without paying any attention to who are what I’m dumping into. There was only one thing in my mind. MB.

As my cab sped pass the hi-way, I can’t help but utter a few words of comfort to myself. There is really nothing I can do now than to ask my driver if he can drive faster and hope that I we won’t end up in a hospital.

At the hospital lobby, I just stood there speechless. I have no idea what to do. There is no one else there but me. I would like to shout, to cry, to laugh, anything to release the tension building in my chest but I seem to lose the knowledge to move or to show any emotions. I just stood there like a statue.

When the doors opened, the doctor beckoned me. I approached him with heavy feet and legs. When he removed his doctor’s cap and gripped it tightly, tears started flowing down my cheeks. It’s bad news. I knew it.

I entered the room and look at the motionless person covered by a white blanket from head to toe, tears still flowing freely down my cheeks and no words coming out my mouth. I took the chair beside the bed and pulled back the blanket to look at the face of the person who changed my life for one last time. I would like to kiss and hug him but my limbs failed me. I just sit there, staring. Staring at the face of the person who I knew I will never see again.

I wasn’t able to speak for days after the funeral. I withdraw to my room and did nothing but stare at the skies through my window. People came and tried to lift my spirit but I just can’t. I just can’t. People said that I’m still in shock hence the silence. But they don’t know. They don’t understand.

One day, when the skies were clear, a friend entered my room. He noticed that I’ve been staring to the skies ever since the accident. He asked me, why. And for the first time in a year, I smiled and said:

“I’m waiting for my angel to come back”

PN > This is just a dream. Everything is OK. Thanks to wanderer for bringing this to my attention.

OUT

I'm the kind of person who has nothing against PDA. Heck, I even practiced it myself a couple of times before. I also have nothing against those people who decided to leave their life like the world is their stage. I'm sometimes like that. And being discreet is nothing new. Some practice it, some despise it. Me? Well let's just say I prefer to keep it under the radar. And so the story goes...

MB and I work for the same company. And as far as I know, nobody knows about us. Of course there are those who can “smell” people like me but they just keep it to themselves. Late last year, we decided to take our relationship to another level. We went to a friend’s wedding as a couple. Their reactions are of mixed surprise and joy. Everything is going our way. Until recently…

I don’t care what other people will think or say but as much as possible, I would like to keep our “identities” under the radar. Of course there are those that can smell us out but since they keep it to themselves, it doesn’t really matter. I just don’t get it why people need to know what I do on my own free time. I go to work to work and not to tell stories about my personal life. But of course, it can’t be helped. People have been like this for like forever.

Many of my colleagues know that I live with my partner. What captures their curiosity is why I haven’t introduced, let alone met, her. I always tell them that my personal life is mine to keep. I thought this was clear enough. I forgot the fact that there are people out there who are stubborn as me. They actually found out that my partner works for the same company. They were even able to know which department. And since they keep asking, they were able to fish the information that my partner is not a she, but a he. Not that it really matter, but I always answer their questions except when they started asking weather I’m with a guy or a girl. I will just smile and tell them: “think what you would like to think.”

Yesterday, and like all the yesterdays since I got involved with MB, I took my lunch break when he decided to go home. Our place is just 5 minutes away by cab anyway. The reason for this is because I want to eat with, and sometimes cook for MB. I never thought though that the people in the office will make a big deal out of it when a couple of folks saw us getting in a cab. I was suddenly the talk of the town. Everyone wanted to know about my relationship with MB and why did I keep it secret. I immediately notified MB about this to prepare him for what people’s reaction might be. Luckily for me, MB already developed a think skin about such controversies.

When the dust settled, a couple of friends approached me and told me how sweet of me to take time to bring my partner home everyday. How lucky I am for being able to find my life partner. And how much they envy me for my courage and strength to keep my affairs private as possible.

After all is said and done, I kept my head down and my mouth shut. MB doesn’t want people in the office to know what they don’t have to know and I will keep it that way. So what if they saw us getting in a cab. As long as we continue what we do, this will be forgotten and we can continue to live our lives like we want it. Private and peaceful.

"The moment the world decides who and what you are is the moment you died" - Anon

Hang Ups Anyone?

“I like talking to you because you seem to have no hang ups or whatever.”

No hang ups? What the --?? Can anyone tell me what this mean? I asked around and here’s what some of the people think what “No hang ups” mean.

“Nothing’s holding you back. No doubts or apprehensions.” - Lesbian friend


“You can talk without any shame or inhibitions” - Cowboy Girl

“Not easily hassled by things. Seems to have no problems. Cool. Someone who shows who he really is.” - Rich Kid

“Ang sakin lng, u can show ur emotions. Kunwari may sinabi ako sa iba. tas may sinabi sila sakin. parang kulang. Parang masyadong safe or masyadong plain. Ndi ko masyadong maramdaman. Yung dating nya sakin ganun kasi nga iba yung personality nila... ang sakin lng, mag gusto kita kausap kasi mas aaliw mas kwela mas ok... mas palagay yung loob ko” - Saito Hajime

“Totally moved on ka na. Wala ng natirang remorse, galit, pain, sama ng loob etc.” - Boy Genius

“Someone who doesn’t feel any guilt for what happened in the past. Someone who doesn’t feel any anger or pain even to his EXs or anyone who came to his life or anything that happened in his life. Simply put, it's a person who never dwells in the past.” - Gym Buddy

Hhhmm... so having no hang ups is like a good thing. But if this is the meaning of not having any hang ups, then I definitely do not fall in this category. I for one know that I am a person with a lot of apprehensions and doubts. I talk with inhibitions because I’m afraid that what I say might not be the right thing to say or might just be rejected. And I’m definitely someone who is easily intimidated, hassled, and bullied. And what is this that they are saying about having no problems? Who on earth doesn’t have a problem? Everybody does right? And just to clear things up. I’m not cool.

With that said, how can someone even tell me that they love talking to me because I do not have any hang ups? I’m a loser with no characteristics that anyone will like. You can even ask my friends and they will tell you what a headache I am and how much pain I have inflicted to them. But that didn’t stop MB from loving me. MB showed me that even a loser like me can be loved, cuddled, kissed, hugged, and treasured. That someone so miserable as me can still be happy. That I still have a future; a future full of happiness. And that, my friends, is just one of the things that I love about MB. He loves me for what I am. No hang ups.

“It's not who or what that's important” - Anon

Q&A

How can you really make a relationship work? What do you need to do for your relationship to last?

These are just some of the questions I always hear from people that talk about relationships. I do not pretend to be some expert when it comes to relationships. I know for a fact that I am not for I came from a failed relationship before I found the person who saved me from drowning. I know that I made more mistakes than the next guy when it comes to making decisions while in a relationship. That I am a failure when it comes to the “ideal person” to be in a relationship with as set by society. But I know that some, not all, may benefit from my experiences and that's why I share them to people.

So how can someone make a relationship work? Simple. Just as the question mentioned, it is work. Now I can see people’s eyebrows raising after reading that statement. Well we all have different opinions. This is mine so back off :)

Now back to the topic. Contrary to what people believe, love is not enough for a relationship to last. Like it or not, time will come when emotions will be tested and love will fade. When that time comes, you must be ready to work your ass to make your relationship last. You must fight for it if needed. If you will only rely on your emotions to get you through the day, then you will always end up in the losing end. You must know when to use your emotions and when to use your mind. Both are needed for a long lasting relationship. Now this is just my thoughts and I’m just speaking out loud. I do not intend to give advice to anyone since I’m not the right person to do so. So when someone do come asking about what I think, I always tell them stories about my past instead of giving off advice. I just think its better that way.

So when a friend talks to me about his problems about his partner, I will explain to him what I did when I was in the same situation as he is and hope that he will be able to make his own move from there. For example, a friend told me his story about not talking to his long time boyfriend for almost a week just because he doesn’t want to be the first to make a move after a petty quarrel. I shared my experience with my ex that after not talking to each other, we just grew cold and got used to not speaking to each other. Like it is the normal thing to do. Another instance was when a friend came to me telling me he’s getting tired of being the “strongman” in the relationship. Of being the person who’s always there for his partner. I just told him about my experience with MB when I was on my lowest point. That I felt that the well is drying out because no water is coming in. But giving up is not an option for me. Because for me, I can’t picture myself without MB. I just can’t imagine waking up and not finding him by my side. Just the thought of it makes me cry. What more if it’s a reality that I brought to myself? Oh what misery I will be in!

And lastly, being in a relationship is not always fun and full of happiness. So those who are out there who are getting desperate that you are still single, don't try so hard to be in one. I'm telling you, you are not missing a lot. If you think you are prepared for something this hard, then you are not at all prepared. If you think you are mature, then you are very immature. Read this post. I can tell that this friend of mine knows what is needed for a relationship to work. I suggest that you click the link and read it. It’s definitely worth your time (Don’t forget to read the link he mentioned as well!).

"Admitting your mistake is the first sign of maturity" - Anon

Let's talk about X

People come to me for advice. Either I’m just too nosy or people do tend to see me as someone who they can share their pain with. I think it’s the first but I can dream too.

One of the things that people always asked me about is relationship. I don’t pretend to be an expert on this issue since I’ve only experienced two serious relationships to date. So instead of giving them advices, I tend to share to them my past experiences. And when I say experiences, I mean my experiences on “relationships” and relationships. The first being the “relationships” I had or more aptly known nowadays as flings, MU, and LDRs. I had my share of failures and pain about all these things but I do not consider them as anything serious. The latter is the two relationships I consider as serious since there was real commitments and love, not lust, is present.

Some of the people asked me how I was able to get past my previous serious relationship in order to enter a new one. Some people complain about their former affairs. And others just would like to know if the “relationship” they were in was indeed a relationship. Others still, ask me how I was able to know when it was time to move one.

It was never easy to get up from a downfall of a serious relationship. For me, it took me more than 2 years before I was able to let go of the past. Before I was able to finally say to myself that whatever we had was over. Some will say that 2 years is a long time to recover from heartache. I always tell them is that it was not heartache that I needed to recover from, but hope. The hope that one day, he will realize that I was the one for him. That if I keep being there for him, helping him in time of his need, he will come back to me. Hope was my enemy and I was fighting a losing battle. Because he moved on, I didn’t.

Now some will say that two years is still too long for hoping something like that and I agree with them. But there is no regret for what happened because it taught me a lot of things. And it allowed me to become mature enough to recognize what love really is. So when I saw it, I grabbed it and made it mine forever.

My EX will forever have a special place in my heart. But that doesn’t mean that I do not love MB with all my heart. I love him without any inhibition and any equivocation. It’s just that the person who made my life colorful before will forever be in my heart. My love for him will always be there only on a different level. More of a special friend than a lover. And understanding this thing made me fall ever more for MB.

I just remembered something that was said to me by a friend when I asked him if he still love his ex. He said:

“Love, once given, will never fade. It just mature and change”

To those that are wondering what my EX looks like, here’s someone that always reminds me of him.

Ahem!

I have a lot of drafts but I don't think I will be able to post them soon since I can't seem to finish anything with themes on it. So here I am, writing another stupid post about nothing at all.

People are still asking about my relationship with MB. I guess I left it hanging and was not able to explain what happened between the two of us. For all those who are asked, thank you! but no need to worry about us anymore. My relationship with MB is stronger than ever. What happened between us is just what one should expect once you are in a relationship living together. I've expected much worse so no need to worry about us.

Hmm what to write, what to write? I guess I could tell you about my conversation with a friend about relationships but that would be something that I'm reserving for dry days. So for now let me just tell you the story of what happened a week ago when I was asked by MB to find a place to stay for the night since a friend will need to sleep over. Its actually better than it sounds so don't go raising the alarm just yet. My plan was actually to have a drinking session with my friends but I cancelled it on the last minute because of somethings I will not discuss here. So to cut the story short, I spent the night at my office, in front of my PC, surfing, chatting, and watching whatever comes to mind. Yup even porn!

Now why did I brought up this story you ask. The friend who slept over needed a place to stay since she will be leaving for the province the following day. But the real reason was she needed someone to lean because she just found out that her boyfriend for 8 years, who left her a month ago, is currently dating his secretary! Yup his very own secretary! Isn't that such a TV/Movie cliche?

Before MB left our place to pick up his friend, he was worried that he wouldn't know what to say to comfort her since he is not a very emotional person. He could solve many things even under pressure but he's at a lost when it comes to emotions and relationships. I just smiled, kissed him, and told him that he just needs to be there for her. And being there, sometimes, means just that, being there. You don't need any fancy words but just be physically there. This somewhat gave him enough courage to push through.

Now that I'm typing this, I can't help but wonder. Will that happen to us as well? I mean, they lasted for 8 years while MB and me are just starting out. Sure they are different and but of course there are always what ifs but with trust and love I believe we can make it. And what do you know, I answered my own question! The answer is just that. Trust and Love. No one really knows what's going to happen tomorrow but with a little trust and a sprinkle of love, I believe that whatever tomorrow brings, my love for MB will just keep growing stronger. I can only hope that his love for me does too.

I just remembered something so let me finish this post with this:

"Enjoy what you have right now for you don't know if its still be there tomorrow. Now if you really don't like what you have right now, then no need to punish yourself. Just wait. for tomorrow is another day. Who knows what it may bring. So smile more, laugh a little louder, dance a little, sing one more song, and love a little better. And tomorrow, well let's leave it at that for now."  -  Anon